I walk fast. This is just something I've learned to do so my short, stumpy legs can keep up with my tall friends. This is normally fine. Normally. But some people enjoy walking slowly. More power to you. I'm glad you're taking the time to enjoy the beautiful outdoors. But when it's 40 degrees and hailing and I have 5 minutes to get across campus, I don't appreciate you getting you swag on as much. Especially when that swag is like if someone took a video of a sloth swimming through molasses and slowed it down 200%. (only a slight exaggeration)
These swag-meisters generally result a buildup of people behind them. You know how standing in an elevator is kind of awkward? Well, this is more awkward. There is no bad 80's music to sing to, no shiny things to be distracted by, and no carpet to be pretending to study. You are just awkwardly trucking along next to someone you don't know. I recently found myself in such a situation. I decided to be friendly, so I tried to smile at the person next to me. (who we will name 'Steve' for this purpose. Steve. What kind of rapping name is that?) In my mind, I turn and flash Steve a smile that would rival that of an A list actress graciously accepting some sort of prestigious award. In reality I look liked I was in excruciating pain. Instead of a huge grin, I ended up half sneering. Great. So now, having tainted my reputation, I decided to try and remedy this with some laughter. Laughter is the best medicine, right? Halfway thought making this decision, I remember that my laugh is loud. And obnoxious. And sometimes sounds like a retarded seal. So I go for "cute giggle". I would giggle, thereby rendering myself the kid of person that laughs at their own stupid facial expressions and simultaneously acknowledging our common frustration in the swag-meister. Win-win situation. Somehow, my chuckle ended up sounding like I was having an asthma attack or hyperventilating, or both. After a strange expression from Steve, and resisting the urge to yell "Don't judge me!" and fall to the ground in fetal position crying, I decided to give up and just walk on the grass.
What should I have done? The answer is obvious, my friends. Velociraptor impersonations. Think about it. They are cute (in a dangerous sort of way) and a velociraptor sound is just plain fun. Everybody loves velociraptor sounds. It's like a law. And If you don't, you should seriously reconsider your priorities. Seriously, if someone came up to me and made a velociraptor sound, we'd be best friends forever. No lie. In fact, it is my love language.
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| Pictured: friendship |
I should point out that I added "Velociraptors" along with ever form of the word (i.e. "velociraptoring" etc.) to Microsoft OneNote (where I drafted this) because it didn't recognize it as a word. I am disappointed, Microsoft.
Bahaha! The second paragraph is one heaping pile of "win."
ReplyDeleteI think you should have given him an irrational hug. Or you should have pretended that you recognized him and been offended that he didn't remember you (think "Jenny") :)
"Oh...what a hilarious misunderstanding!"
ReplyDeleteor I could have just yelled "the daytime....OF THE NIGHT!" and run away.
HE PLAYS THE DRUMS...and the bongos.
ReplyDeleteIf you made a Velociraptor sound, one of two things would have happened...
1) You guys would have been best friends forever
2) He would have ran away screaming (which would have been awesome)
3) He would have pulled something out of his back pocket (like a fire axe (John Green)) and hit you with it (not nearly as awesome)
4) I know I said only two things, but I don't care.
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ReplyDeleteBrad, why don't you want me to have friends? You said him running away would have been awesome.
ReplyDeleteThis whole post is full of win. Did you know velociraptors were actually much smaller than commonly thought?
ReplyDeletewell, I'm short. so more win.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what you're talking about, you don't have any tall friends ;)
ReplyDeleteI can picture that grimace/sneer, and the "cute giggle" from stat and psych last year.
And that happens to me a lot here too! I'll have to give the velociraptor approach a try...
Such a funny situation! I always have problems when walking across campus because especially when walking straight towards someone for a long time, you have to time it right when to officially make eye contact, how long to hold it, and when to say hi or something. Because then if you're still too far away you and you accidentally make eye contact too early, then do you make eye contact again? Do you ignore them? It's just so awkward I can barely handle it.
ReplyDeleteVelociraptors rule. One of my good friends can do a very legit velociraptor impression. It's awesome.
Yes! There should be a guidebook about this. There really should be.
ReplyDeleteMY boyfriends Velociraptor impression is quite fantastic :)